When She Arrived
by Sophie Temrer Rimmer-Artley
Summary: The boys from the Dwarf find a hologram disc. Who's data awaits them? Series 1, just after Me2. RimmerxOC
1. Prologue

**AN: I was watching the episode Me****2**** the other day, and it inspired me to write this fanfic, set just after Me****2**** finishes. Enjoy!**

"Emergency... emergency... there's an emergency going on...it's still going on..."

The incessant voice of Red Dwarf's ship computer Holly woke Dave Lister from his dream about beer milkshakes and curry.

"What's going on Hol?" he asked, stumbling out of his top bunk, missing the ladder completely and landing smack on the floor face first. This was enough to wake his bunkmate Arnold J. Rimmer, who sat up sleepily.  
"Lister you goit, why did you wake me up, it's three A.M. for God's sake!" Rimmer complained.

"There's still an emergency going on. If anyone's interested." Holly interjected.

"What's happening?" Rimmer asked briskly.

"Something's coming for us Arnold. It's a U.O."  
"A rock?" Lister asked.

"Definitely not Dave. It's small and shiny and headed towards scoop range."

"Bring it in, Holly. We'll take a closer look." Rimmer said, getting out of the bottom bunk. "Oh, er, before you do that Holly, could you give me a clean uniform?"

"I'm sorry Arnold, but the U.O. is now in range. If I don't scoop now, I'll miss it." Holly said, sounding as unapologetic as possible. Rimmer sighed and turned to Lister.

"Come on, gimboid, let's get going." he said, striding off down the corridor. Lister followed reluctantly. On their way they met the Cat, sniffing around.  
"Hey Cat, wanna come with us? Holly's found an unidentified object. He says it's shiny." Lister said.

At the mention of the U.O. being shiny, Cat's face lit up. "Well sure I do!" He fell into step beside Lister as Rimmer marched on ahead. When they reached the scoop, the U.O. was lying there on the floor waiting for them. It was a disc.

"It's a hologram disc!" Rimmer said triumphantly, picking it up. "There's no identifying marks on it. It could be anyone's data. Holly, where's that second hologram power supply?"

"I don't know Arnold. You'd be better off asking Dave."

Lister and Cat rounded the corner and saw Rimmer heading back towards them.

"Lister, get that other hologram power supply and meet me in the drive room. It's a hologram data disc."

"Whoa whoa whoa, Rimmer. Time out. Are you sure that's safe? It could be anyone. They could have any kind of corrupted data on there. Are you thinking straight?"

"Yes I'm thinking straight. I'm thinking there'll finally be someone on this ship I can relate to who's not like me in every way! Now get the power supply and take it to the drive room. I'm your superior, and that's an order, miladdo." Rimmer headed straight off down the corridor.  
"What a smeghead." Lister sighed. "Come on Cat."

The two of them turned and followed Rimmer, who had bounded ahead with pure excitement. How marvellous to have a hologram on the ship that he wasn't identical to! He could barely stay on the ground for five minutes. As he entered the drive room, he felt a sudden impulsive urge to turn a cartwheel, but decided against it. If he didn't manage it, and Lister walked in and saw him... that would be too much. Lister walked in with the power supply.

"Where's the Cat? I thought he was with you."

"He was, but now he's gone investigating again." Lister explained, hooking the power supply to the computer. Rimmer slotted the disc into the top.

"OK Holly, switch it on." he said, biting his lip in anticipation. The new hologram shimmered into existence with a blast of loud rock music, which made Rimmer and Lister jump back in surprise.

_She's a rebel, she's a saint_

_She's the salt of the earth and she's dangerous_

_She's a rebel, vigilante_

_Missing link on the brink of destruction_

_From Chicago to Toronto_

_She's the one that they call 'old whatsername'_

_She's the symbol of resistance_

_And she's holding on my heart like a handgrenade_

"Off." Rimmer finally managed to say.

"Sorry, did my appearance theme shock you?" the new hologram said. She was slim and beautiful with short brown hair and blue eyes. The silver H on her forehead was tarnished but her clothes were neat and straight.

"It's my first time using that song as my appearance theme, you see. I'm still working on it. It was originally Eye Of The Tiger, but it got annoying after a while, so I changed it to We Will Rock You, and this is the third one I've tried, She's A Rebel..." She stopped. "What?"

"Erm... hello. I'm Dave Lister, and this is Arnold J. Rimmer." Lister said. "Who are you?"  
"Sorry, how rude of me, I haven't introduced myself. Crystal C. Waters at your service."

She saluted, sticking her arm out in front of her, giving her hand three turns, then holding it to her head.

"Er, that's my salute." Rimmer said, stunned. "It's always been my salute."

"Well, I've been using it for sixteen years now, and I'm not about to change it because some stuck-up smeghead says it belongs to him."

Lister, during this exchange, had begun to snigger.

"What's so funny?" Crystal asked.

"Your name. Crystal C. Waters. What does the C in the middle stand for, Clear?" he laughed.

"Don't be a gimboid, it's Caroline." she sneered, turning to Rimmer. "Is he always like that?"

"Only when he's not being a general slob-about." Rimmer told her, smiling. "Where are you from?"

"The mining ship Green Giant."

"Green Giant? Isn't that a sweetcorn brand or something?" Lister asked.

"Lister, shut up!" Rimmer and Crystal snapped in unison, then looked at each other and burst out laughing.

"Welcome to Red Dwarf, Crystal C. Waters. I think we'll get along just fine." Rimmer said.

"It's a pleasure to be on board, Arnold J. Rimmer." Crystal replied.

**Hope you like it! I don't own Red Dwarf, but Crystal C. Waters is my own invention. Review please!**


	2. Irradiated Haggis and Clipboards

**AN: Here goes, next instalment up! I stole the 'irradiated haggis' skit because I thought it would be perfect for this fic. Enjoy!**

"You're so annoying!"

"_I'm _the annoying one? Ha, that's rich coming from you!"

Rimmer and Crystal were having a blazing argument about something irrelevant, as they often did.

"Why? Just answer me that, hmm? Why? That's all I want to know!"

"I don't have to explain myself to an unwanted piece of detritus!"

"You're a pompous, stubborn gimboid Arnold J. Rimmer, and I'm not talking to you!"

"Well you're a snooty, irritating smeghead Crystal C. Waters, and _I'm _not talking to _you_!"

"Guys, guys, does it really matter?" Lister asked them.

"YES!" they both yelled together.

"Lister, kindly tell Rimmer he's a jumped-up loser." Crystal said to Lister in a bittersweet tone.

"Rimmer, Crystal says you're a..."

"I heard." Rimmer said morosely, sitting down on his bunk.

"Ooh, I hate it when he gives up!" Crystal complained, storming out in a huff. Lister swung down from his top bunk and landed in front of Rimmer.

"Why can't you two stop arguing? It's driving me nuts!" he asked.

"Because I'm right, and she's wrong, and if she can't accept that, I don't want anything to do with her!" Rimmer ranted.

"I think you want a lot more to do with her than you're letting on." Lister said. "You like her. I know you do, it's written all over your face."

"Eugh! No smegging way, Lister! I do _not _have feelings for Crystal-smegging-gimboid-Waters!"

"Ah, a wise man once said 'there's a thin line between love and hate'." Lister smirked.  
"That's a load of smeg and you know it Lister! She's just so... so..." Rimmer was at a loss for words.

"Rimmer-like?" Lister supplied.

"Definitely not! She is nothing like me! We are completely different people! That is why we cannot agree on things! We are not similar in any way and I do not have feelings for her! Understand, squire?"

"Of course I understand, Rimmer. I'd say you've made your point _Crystal _clear." Lister laughed.

"Oh, smeg off!" Rimmer snapped, getting up and striding out of the room. Lister sat there, staring at where Rimmer had been sitting but a few seconds ago.

"He'll see. They'll both see..." he murmured to himself. "I know I'm right..."

"I know it too." the toaster chimed in. "You want some toast?"

Lister threw a pillow at the toaster. "Shut the smeg up."

****

"Four thousand, six hundred and ninety-one irradiated haggis."

"Rimmer, you're a smeghead."

"Four thousand, six hundred and ninety-one irradiated haggis."

"Rimmer, you're a gimboid."

"Four thousand, six hundred and ninety-one irradiated haggis."

"Rimmer, you're a goit."

"Four thousand, six hundred and ninety-one irradiated haggis."

"SHUT UP AND INSULT ME BACK!" Crystal snapped. Rimmer paused for a moment, then grinned.

"Four thousand, six hundred and ninety-one irradiated haggis."

"ARGH! I hate you Rimmer!" Crystal shouted.

"And I hate you too, Crystal, but I would like to know if we have four thousand, six hundred and ninety-one irradiated haggis or not!" Rimmer yelled back.

"Could you stop saying 'Four thousand, six hundred and ninety-one irradiated-_smegging_-haggis' and just insult me then?" Crystal asked.

"I'll think about it." Rimmer was silent for a few seconds. "I've thought about it."

"And?"

"Four thousand, six hundred and ninety-one irradiated haggis."

"I'm going to use this damn clipboard to smack your smegging head in a minute!" she snapped angrily.

"Go on then! Assault a superior officer why don't you?" Rimmer challenged her.

"I will!" Crystal shot back, and in a flash she was across the drive room attacking Rimmer with the inventory clipboard.

"Ow! Ow, stop it! Smeg off Crystal, that's really hurting my head!"

"Good! I don't care!"

Crystal had somehow clambered onto Rimmer during the attack, and the two of them froze for a split second, gazing at each other. Then, just as quickly as they had stopped, Crystal began smacking Rimmer's head with the clipboard again.

"Get the smeg off me, you gimboid!" Rimmer yelled at her.

"No!" Crystal shouted back, her face centimetres from Rimmer's.

"You don't have to shout at me, I'm right here!" Rimmer snapped.  
"Well _you _don't have to shout at _me _either!" she snapped back, taking one last swipe with the clipboard and then returning to her seat. Rimmer couldn't resist the opportunity to taunt her one last time.

"Four thousand, six hundred and ninety-one irradiated haggis."

"Oh for heaven's sake, I give up! Do the smegging inventory on your smegging own, you smegging goit!" Crystal said, so frustrated she flung the clipboard directly at Rimmer, where it caught him full on in the privates. Rimmer squeaked in pain and crumpled onto the floor.

"OW! Smegging hell Crystal, there was no need for that!" he yelled about an octave higher than normal.

"There was every need for it, you smegging gimboid!" she said as she swept haughtily past him. Lister walked in from the opposite door.

"Still think I've got feelings for her Listy?" Rimmer said sourly from the floor.

"Yeah I do. You just haven't seen it yet."

"I think I'd be the first to know if I was falling for someone as annoying as Crystal C. Waters." Rimmer grumbled at Lister. "Holly, paracetamol and two cold compresses please."

"Where would you like the compresses Arnold?"

"Head and groin." Rimmer said bitterly, stumbling to his feet. "Ahh, thanks Holly, that's a lot better." He collapsed into the chair Crystal had previously been occupying. "As I was saying, even if I did like her in that way, which I don't, I hasten to add, I certainly would have no intention of mentioning it to her. Did you see the look in her eyes? She's a devil woman, Lister."

"I'll take your word for it, mate." Lister said, still unconvinced. "Need a hand with the inventory?"

"That would be a huge help." Rimmer smiled. "The real clipboard is over there, that's a hologrammatic one Holly made for me."

"I try my best."

"Here?" Lister said, picking it up.

"That's the one." Rimmer said. "Four thousand, six hundred and ninety-one irradiated haggis."

Lister sighed. It was going to be a long evening.

"Check."

"Two thousand and eighty seven toilet rolls."

"Check."

****

Crystal was storming back and forth in the sleeping quarters she occupied alone. Why was Rimmer such a smeg-for-brains? He just made her want to snap his smegging head in two! And she probably would, if...

If she didn't have a secret.

If she didn't know why she put up with him all the time although he drove her up the wall.

If she didn't love him...

There was no use denying it, because she knew it was true. She knew it from the moment she first set eyes on Arnold-smegging-Rimmer. He'd been in his idea of pyjamas at the time, which was probably one of the reasons she'd fallen for him, because, even though he was a gimboid, he was a pretty hot one. And she knew that deep inside, under all the hatred, they were exactly alike, and destined for each other. The only problem was, would he realise? Would he understand? Or would he continue to deny it and break her heart without knowing it? Crystal just didn't know. She slumped onto her bed and began to cry, her face in her hands.

"Crystal?" came Lister's voice from the doorway. Crystal looked up.

"Come on in, Lister. Bit dark in here isn't it? Lights!" she mumbled. The lights came up.

"What's wrong? Are you upset about hurting Rimmer? He's fine now, honestly."

"No, I wanted to hurt him!" she giggled. "It's not about that, although it is about Rimmer."

"Then what is it?" Lister asked. "I won't laugh."

"Oh Lister, I love him! I love him, and it's killing me." Crystal wept, dropping her face back in her hands.

"Hey hey, it's OK." Lister said gently. "I know it hurts. But believe me, Rimmer'll realise he's crazy about you sooner or later."

Crystal looked up at Lister's kind face. "You think so?"  
"I know so. He may be a smeghead, but it's not difficult to know what he's thinking."

Crystal giggled weakly. "Thanks Lister."

"Don't mention it."

**A little angstier than I meant it to be, but hey, never mind! Review please!**


	3. Pencils and Picasso

**AN: Don't think Rimmer and Crystal are getting together that easily! There's more drama yet to come! Enjoy!**

"Rimmer, could you pass me that pencil please?" Crystal asked.

"This one?" Rimmer said, pointing to the one he was holding.

"Yes."

"But I'm using it."

"Yes, and I need to borrow it."

"I'm still using it!"

"I'm not going to eat it Rimmer, I just need it for a few seconds, now give me the smegging pencil."

"I happen to want to continue writing, so you'll have to get another pencil."

"That's the only hologrammatic pencil we've got, you goit, now let me borrow it!"

"All right, if you insist." Rimmer said, handing over the pencil. Crystal took it and pressed the point to the paper, only for it to retract inside the pencil. When she lifted the pencil from the paper, the point appeared again. Crystal tried again, and the same thing happened. She looked over at Rimmer, who was biting his lip.

"Rimmer, what have you done to the pencil? Have you broken it? This is the only pencil we have!"

Then Crystal noticed something. Stuck behind Rimmer's ear was an identical pencil.

"Rimmer!"

"What?"

"Give me the pencil!" Crystal snapped.

"I gave you the pencil, Crystal. What on Titan are you on about?" Rimmer said innocently.

"I meant give me the real pencil, that isn't a joke one, that's behind your smegging ear!"

"Oh, you meant _this _pencil?" Rimmer said, pulling it out from behind his ear.

"Yes!"

"Are you sure?"

"Yes! Give me the pencil!"

"As long as you're sure this is the right pencil, because frankly I don't want to go through this whole charade again because you picked the wrong one." Rimmer said, ever so casually turning to give Crystal a glimpse of the pencil behind his other ear and the two in his pocket.

"Give me that one! No, that one! No, hang on, that one!" Crystal said, irritated and confused. "RIM-MER!"

Rimmer couldn't contain himself any longer and burst out laughing hysterically.

"I'm sorry, truly I am, but I couldn't resist it... you should have seen the look on your face, it was priceless!" Rimmer choked out through his laughter.

"You're a horrible, horrible person Arnold J. Rimmer!" Crystal snapped, throwing the one pencil she was holding at him. Rimmer clicked his fingers and the pencils disappeared apart from one of the ones in his pocket, which he took out and continued to write with calmly.

"Rimsy?" Crystal asked sweetly.

"Yes?"

"Please may I now borrow the real pencil?"

"I'm writing with it!"

"Ugh, we've had this conversation already, and I'm not having it again! Give me the damn pencil!"

"If you're sure I kept the right pencil."

"This is not the time to be crappy to me Rimmer! I want that pencil now!" With that Crystal snatched the pencil, leaving a long grey mark down the paper Rimmer had been writing on.

"Hey! What was that for?"  
"Oh, I'm sorry, I was making sure the pencil worked." Crystal said sarcastically.

"Well there was no need to scribble all over my writing!"

"I wouldn't say I'd scribbled all over it." Crystal said, leaning over and snatching Rimmer's paper. "To have scribbled all over it, there would have to be some lines here... and here... and possibly even here!" Crystal handed the paper back to Rimmer. It now read, in large capital letters: 'ARNOLD J. RIMMER IS GOING TO GET A TASTE OF HIS OWN MEDICINE'. Crystal waltzed out of the drive room.

"Oh smeg." Rimmer cursed.

He was in trouble now...

****

Crystal smirked to herself as she tweaked the settings of the hologram control panel. Rimmer would soon see who got the last laugh. Nobody made Crystal C. Waters look like a fool and got away with it. Job done, she went back to the drive room, where sure enough, Rimmer was sitting, looking completely stupid. His hair was hot pink, his face was green, and both his arms were purple. She stifled the burning urge to giggle.

"Are you feeling all right Rimmer? You don't look so good." she asked, concerned.

"I feel fine, thanks." Rimmer said smartly. He crumpled up Crystal's revenge note and threw it behind him, then took out a new piece of paper.

"You're certain? You really don't look well. You should probably go to the medical unit."

"I am absolutely tickety-boo, hunky-dory, super-duper. So thank you for your concern, but I really should carry on with my writing." he said angrily.

"Well, you might be needing this then, mightn't you?" she smirked, holding the pencil up.

"How did you get the pencil? Give me that!" Rimmer gasped, trying to grab it from her.

"Ah-ah-ah." Crystal grinned. "It's my pencil now. And right now I feel like running away from you while waving said pencil above my head in triumph!" Crystal turned tail and ran out of the drive room with Rimmer in hot pursuit. He would get that pencil back, no matter what.

"I've got the pencil! I've got the pencil!" Crystal chanted, dancing down the corridors. Rimmer tried to keep up, but she was too fast. Rimmer stopped outside his sleeping quarters and popped in, ready to ambush her when she came back. Lister was there reading a magazine.

"Hello Lister. Sorry, can't talk, rather busy. I'm trying to catch a pencil thief."

Lister looked up from his magazine and burst out laughing. Rimmer whirled to face him.

"What's so funny, Lister, hmm?"

"Have you seen yourself recently Rimmer?"

"No. Why?"

"Look for yourself." Lister said, gesturing to the mirror. Rimmer walked over and looked in.

"Gah! I'm a smegging Picasso masterpiece!" Rimmer gasped. "Smegging Crystal!"

"Somebody call?" Crystal said, sticking her head round the door. Rimmer spun on his heel to face her.

"You."

"Whoa, smegging hell!" Crystal shouted, legging it back the way she had come. Rimmer was faster this time and caught up to her. He pinned her against the wall.  
"Look here, I don't know what your problem is with me, but I want you to give me my colours back!"

"Well, I wanted the pencil, and you insisted on giving me a prank one instead and annoying me! No, I won't change you back. I prefer you like this anyway. You're easier on the eye, and that's saying something." Crystal wriggled out of Rimmer's grasp and stormed away. Rimmer caught her by the wrist and dragged her back.

"Crystal, please! I want to look like a person again!"

"And I want to be treated like a person, instead of a five-year-old!" she snapped.

They were both silent.

"You know what? We've both been acting like five-year-olds." Rimmer said. "I mean, drawing on each other's work, running around chanting about who's got the pencil? Forget five-year-olds, we've been behaving like three-year-olds. At least five-year-olds would be sensible enough to say sorry afterwards. We've both been too stubborn to even consider apologising."

There was another silence.

"You're right. You're so right." Crystal agreed. "We've been ridiculous."

"I'm sorry about the pencil."  
"I'm sorry about the whole skin-changing-colour thing. I'll change it back right away."

Another silence.

"So we're OK. You and me." Rimmer said.

"Yeah. We're OK." Crystal smiled. "We're more than OK."

Crystal adjusted her arm so her hand was in Rimmer's. After a couple of seconds, the two of them looked away from each other, blushing. Rimmer dropped Crystal's hand and headed off down the corridor.

"Oh, Rimmer?"

"Yes?"

"Don't think this means I like you! You're still a gimboid!"

Rimmer chuckled. "And you, my dear, are still a smeghead!"

Crystal narrowed her eyes in mock anger.

"Arnold Rimmer, you're dead!"

"Oh smeg." Rimmer said as Crystal charged towards him. He ran off, screaming for mercy.

****

Lister heard the sounds of laughter echoing around Red Dwarf and smiled to himself.

"They're almost there. I can feel it."

"So can I. Fancy some toast?"

"Shut up."

**This chapter was a little shorter than I'd intended, so sorry about that! Review please!**


	4. Table Tennis And Revelations

**AN: Don't be expecting lovey-dovey stuff this chapter, it'll be coming around next chappy. Enjoy!**

"Rimmer, you're absolutely rubbish at table tennis, you realise that?"

"I am not rubbish! I'm just out of practise! I haven't tried in what, three million years?"

Crystal giggled. "Just see if you can return the ball, goit." She threw it up in the air and hit it. It bounced across the table towards Rimmer, who stuck his racket out at the ball and missed completely. Crystal laughed, and Rimmer threw his racket down in defeat.

"I give in. You win." he sighed.

"Come on, don't give up! You nearly had that one!"

"No I didn't, Crystal. Don't lie to try and make me feel good, you know I hate that."

Rimmer sat down on one of the chairs at the side of the room, looking dejected. Crystal paused, then moved over to him and sat down beside him.

"I've never been any good at sports. I was always picked last for PE at school." Rimmer confessed.

"So was I, but that was because nobody liked me. They had no idea how good I was, and they never asked. There was an odd number in our class, and when everyone was present I sometimes had to sit out and not play at all. It really annoyed me."

"God, that must have been awful. I'm so sorry."

"Don't worry. It's in the past now." Crystal said, putting a hand on Rimmer's arm. "I bet there's at least one sport you're good at."

"Does chess count?" Rimmer asked.  
Crystal laughed. "No."

"Um... I can swim. That's a sport, in a way."

"Of course it's a sport! It was in the Olympics, so it's a sport." Crystal said eagerly. "There's no way for holograms to swim though, is there?"

"Oh I think we can sort that." Rimmer grinned. "Holly?"

"What can I do for you Arnold?"

"Well, this is what we want..."

"This is amazing!" Crystal said, standing at the edge of the hologrammatic swimming pool Holly had constructed for them.

"Isn't it just! Come on, let's go for a dip!" Rimmer jumped straight in, clothes and all. Crystal giggled.

"You gimboid, you're still fully dressed!" she teased.

"Oh smeg, I am aren't I?" Rimmer said, embarrassed. "Holly, you couldn't fashion me some swimwear could you?"

"Certainly Arnold." Rimmer was now only wearing a pair of navy swimming trunks.

"That's better." Crystal smiled approvingly. "Can you sort something for me Holly?"

"Of course Crystal."

Rimmer's jaw dropped. Crystal looked incredible. She was wearing a tight-fitting red bikini and had a pair of swimming goggles perched jauntily on her head. Rimmer cursed internally. Lister had been right all along. But he wasn't going to say anything. There was no way Crystal would ever love someone like him. Not even if he was the only other hologram she'd ever met. Crystal took a neat running dive into the water and surfaced beside Rimmer.

"Come on then, what are you waiting for? Let's get swimming, lickety-split!" Crystal said, clapping her hands impatiently.

"You're a hard taskmaster, Crystal C. Waters." Rimmer laughed, setting off down the pool.

"I do try." Crystal smiled. Rimmer did lengths of the pool while Crystal watched him, and then they swapped over, with Crystal doing lengths and Rimmer watching. As she finished her last length, Crystal felt a splashing coming from somewhere behind her. She turned around, and was hit in the face with a wave of water.

"Rimmer!" she shouted.

"Yes?" he asked, grinning.

"You're going down!"

"Oh smeg!"

Crystal leaped on Rimmer and ducked his head under the water. He shook her off effortlessly.

"There's little point in ducking me, I don't need to breathe, remember?" he laughed. Suddenly he was hit in the back of the head with a jet of water, and he turned around to see Crystal armed with a water pistol.

"Well, I'm in trouble now." he said, and started swimming away to the edge of the pool. Crystal followed him, shooting water at him every few seconds. Rimmer reached the corner and desperately tried to clamber out, but the side was too wet, and his hands slipped. Crystal meanwhile had closed in on him.

"No way out, Arnold J. Rimmer." she said, raising her pistol and squirting water directly into Rimmer's face. Rimmer coughed and spluttered.  
"Aaargh! OK, I yield, I yield!" he gasped. "Put the water pistol down!"

"What the sm- whoa!" came Lister's voice as he landed beside them.

"Lister, get out of the pool! You're ruining the effect!" Rimmer snapped.

"OK, OK, no need to get your trunks in a twist." Lister sighed, pulling himself up out of the hole and walking around them. "Having fun you two?" he said, waggling his eyebrows at them as he left the room.

"Just ignore him, he's too immature for words." Rimmer said. "Last one to the other end of the pool is a gimboid!" He took off down the pool, followed by a giggling Crystal.

Lister sighed to himself as he ate his chicken vindaloo in the drive room. Rimmer and Crystal were so very nearly together. What was stopping them? He heard sounds of laughter and in walked Rimmer and Crystal, wrapped in towels and arguing good-naturedly.

"...no way you could have beaten me, I had a head start!"

"Well, I beat you fair and square, which makes you the gimboid!"

"Come on, I let you win!"

"All right guys?" Lister asked them.

"Fine thank you Lister." Crystal replied. "Holly, clean clothes for both of us please."

"Certainly." The towels disappeared and Rimmer and Crystal were now dressed in their usual clothes.

"I'm going to take a rest, read a book or something, I'm exhausted." Crystal said. "I'll see you both later."

"Bye Crystal." Rimmer said as she walked out the other side of the drive room. Lister turned to face him.

"What is wrong with you! It's been three weeks since you guys made up and you're still holding back! I know you want to be with her, so why the hesitation?"

"Because I'm a nobody!" Rimmer snapped, sinking into the chair opposite Lister. "She could never love someone like me! I'm annoying and obnoxious and a general smeghead. What would someone as beautiful as her want with someone like me?" Rimmer dropped his face into his hands. He would not let Lister see him cry. He would keep his dignity.

"Rimmer, look at me. I said look at me Rimmer." Lister said encouragingly. Rimmer looked up through his hands at Lister. "I know she likes you. She told me herself."

"She did?!" Rimmer asked enthusiastically, jumping up. "I mean, she did?" he corrected himself in a more controlled tone, sitting back down again.

"Yeah, she did. Four weeks ago, just after she threw the clipboard at you."

Rimmer stared at the floor, remembering. "Oh. That."

"Yes, that." Lister said. "You've got nothing to lose, Rimmer. She's crazy about you. The arguing was breaking her heart."

"It was?" Rimmer said, his face falling. "Oh smeg, I feel terrible now."

"Don't worry. Since you two made it up she's been happier. Haven't you noticed how much more she smiles now? That's you Rimmer. You're the one who brings that smile to her face."

Rimmer turned scarlet, but inside he was buzzing. Crystal did love him!

"Er, so what do you suggest I do now?" Rimmer asked Lister.

"Tell her, man. Don't let what happened with me and Kochanski happen to you and her. You've got the chance to do something about it, now go do it!"

Rimmer stood up and squared his shoulders.

"You're right. I'm going to tell her!" Rimmer said, striding out of the drive room. Lister watched Rimmer go, smiling at him.

"Go for it smegger." he said quietly. All of a sudden, in bounded the Cat.

"Hey Cat. How are you?"

"I'm great! I'm looking nice, and I found lots of shiny things today!"

"That's nice." Lister smiled. "Keep up the good work."

"I sure will!" Cat said, leaving the drive room the way he had come.

"It's all go around here today, isn't it?" Lister said, shaking his head and scooping up another mouthful of curry.

**Again, shorter than I'd intended, but I hope you still enjoyed it! Review please!**


	5. Happiness and Relaxation

**AN: Finally some romance! I kept you waiting long enough didn't I? Enjoy!**

Rimmer was standing outside Crystal's sleeping quarters, debating internally with himself. Part of him was telling him to go in there and just tell her, and the other part was saying he shouldn't bother. He didn't know which part to listen to. He paused with his hand waiting by the recognition pad.

Do it, said his heart.

Don't be a fool, said his head.

"I'm listening to you on this one, heart." he murmured to himself, pressing the recognition pad. The door slid open, and Crystal looked up from reading her book.

"Oh, hey Rimmer. What's up?"

"I-I want to tell you something." Rimmer said.

"Go on then." she said, putting her book down and getting up. "What is it?"

"I... I... oh smeg, I can't put it into words... um..." he stammered.

"It's OK. Take your time." Crystal said gently, resting her hand on Rimmer's cheek.

"I... erm..." Rimmer said, even more embarrassed now that she was touching his face. "Oh, what the heck." he said, wrapping his arms around her waist and kissing her softly. After a couple of seconds, he pulled back to look at her. She was smiling blissfully.

"Oh, Rimmer. Everything's perfect now."

"Yes. Yes it is."

Rimmer kissed her again, and this time Crystal responded, sliding her arms around his neck.

"Well it's about damn time!" came Lister's voice from the doorway. Rimmer and Crystal broke the kiss.

"Smeg off, Lister!" the two of them shouted in unison, then both burst out laughing.

"All right, all right, keep your hair on, I'm going, I'm going." Lister said, backing out. The door slid shut.

"Lock." Crystal said, and there was a click.

"Now then, where were we before we were so rudely interrupted?" Rimmer asked her, grinning as he bent to kiss her again.

"Arnold?"

"Mmm?"

"Why did you take so long to tell me how you felt? I knew you liked me, but you kept denying it."

Rimmer and Crystal were lying side-by-side in Crystal's bunk. They were still dressed, and had spent the past half hour kissing. Rimmer rolled to face her.

"You'll laugh at me if I tell you." he said.

"No I won't." Crystal insisted. "Well, I might." Rimmer chuckled.

"Ugh, it's so embarrassing, but I thought I wasn't good enough for you." he admitted, his face turning scarlet as he grabbed one of the pillows and buried his face in it. He heard giggles from Crystal and aimed a swipe at her with the other pillow. "You said you wouldn't laugh!"

"I'm not laughing at _you_, silly! I'm laughing because I thought _I _wasn't good enough for _you_!"

Rimmer looked out from behind the pillow at Crystal.

"Really?" he said incredulously.

"Mm-hmm."

"I swear hell froze over today." Rimmer murmured to himself.

"What was that?" Crystal asked him.

"Um, nothing."

"No, come on, tell me."

"Now, you may find this hard to believe, but normally women just don't like me. I'm just not the kind of guy who's good at making small talk and all that. I guess I just feel... awkward when I'm in that sort of situation."

"Are you feeling that way now?" Crystal asked gently.

Rimmer thought about that. No, he didn't feel awkward now, and that was a shock to him. Here he was, lying on a bed with this beautiful woman, and he didn't feel even a tiny bit uncomfortable.

"No, I'm not." he told her honestly.

"Well, that's all right then, isn't it? You don't need to dwell on the past, it only makes you miserable. You need to look to the future."

"As long as that future includes you, I'm perfectly happy." Rimmer smiled, pulling her closer and kissing her softly.

Lister smiled smugly to himself as he watched Rimmer and Crystal on the black box.

"I knew it. I knew I was right."

"So did I. You want..."

"NO I DON'T WANT SOME TOAST, BEFORE YOU SMEGGING ASK!"

"All right, don't get yourself all fired up. How about some waffles?"

"Holly, is there some way to disable the toaster's voice?" Lister asked. Holly appeared on screen.

"I'm afraid not Dave."

"Smeg." Lister sighed. "Now get off the screen, I'm watching the happy couple."

Holly rolled his eyes and disappeared, leaving Lister with the view of Rimmer and Crystal kissing.

"Nice one Rimsy." Lister murmured to himself.

"Arnold?"

"Yes?"

"Why don't you move into this room? I bet you can't wait to be shot of Lister."

Rimmer froze. Move in with Crystal? Did that mean what he thought it meant? And if it did, could he handle it? His mind immediately threw the memory of Yvonne McGruder at him. Sure, he had boasted to Lister about her, but in all honesty, as soon as they had made it to the bed, she had fallen asleep, and Rimmer hadn't had the heart to take advantage of her. Now, faced with this ultimatum, he didn't know what to say.

"Arnold, what's wrong? You're really tense all of a sudden. Was it something I said?" Crystal said gently, looking up at him and sliding her arms around his waist.

"No, no, it wasn't you." he insisted. "It's just... oh... I've never actually, erm, you know, made love... to anyone... um, before..." Rimmer trailed off, grabbing the pillow again and hiding his face. Crystal pulled the pillow away.

"Arnold, you are silly. It wouldn't have to be a sex thing straight away. Did you think that was the only reason I asked?" she said. Rimmer blushed.

"Er, well, sort of, yeah."

"We won't rush into anything. I promise I won't pressure you. I just want to see if we can be around each other for longer than five minutes without yelling at each other until we're blue in the face."

This made Rimmer laugh. "Well, if you won't mind my strange habits, then I suppose I could accept your very generous offer."

"Strange habits? They couldn't be stranger than mine." Crystal giggled.

"Try me." Rimmer challenged, smiling.

"I sing in my sleep. In fact, I sing when I'm awake too, but that's not so weird."

"I get up and do press-ups when I can't sleep."

"I deliberately pair odd socks together."

"You think _that's _weird?" Rimmer leaned closer and whispered in her ear. "Don't tell anyone this, but I keep my underpants on coat hangers."

Crystal laughed. "All right, you win! I think I can put up with that though."

"Well, as long as your singing doesn't wake me up, I'll be fine too." Rimmer grinned.

"I think we have a deal."

"I think we do."

Rimmer and Crystal looked at each other for a long time, saying nothing, then Rimmer gave her a quick kiss and got up.

"Looks like I've got some packing to do then." he said, heading for the door. "I'll see you later."

"Yes you will." Crystal smiled. "Hurry back to me."

Rimmer laughed. "Always."

He spun on his heel and strode out of the door with an enormous grin on his face. He walked into what was soon to become his old sleeping quarters, and saw Lister with an open suitcase.

"You were watching us?" Rimmer said.

"Er, yeah." Lister confessed, shamefaced. "Sorry."

Rimmer took several deep breaths, then his smile was back.

"Oh, it's all right, Live and let live."

"You're not gonna yell at me? Rimmer, are you OK?" Lister asked doubtfully.

"I've never been more OK in my life!" Rimmer said joyfully. "Get on with that packing, Lister. I want to be back with Crystal as soon as possible."

"Yes SIR!" Lister said, saluting. Rimmer did his own salute back. "Nice one, Rimmer. I'm happy for you."

"Thanks Lister."

**Yay! Hope you likey! Review please!**


	6. Real Love and Rebecca

**AN: Here goes, next chapter coming up! WARNING: BORDERLINE LEMON CONTENT! Just a quick note, from now on Rimmer and Crystal are both hard-light holograms (just imagine they met Legion over the two months that have now elapsed). Enjoy!**

"You know, if someone had told me two months ago that this is where I'd be today, I'd have either laughed in their face or punched them." Two months on, and Rimmer and Crystal were in the position they ended up in most nights, snuggled up together in their pyjamas in the bed. Crystal laughed.

"Arnold, I can honestly say I agree with you there. But life is strange."

"So is death, and that's something we both know about." Rimmer pointed out.

"Too true." Crystal smiled.

"Crystal, if it's not too awkward, do you mind if I ask how you died?"

"Of course you can ask. I got in a big argument with a colleague, and we were sent out of the airlock for sort of a 'time-out' as punishment. As soon as we stepped out, she broke my space helmet and it killed me instantly, but witnessing my death made her feel guilty and she took her own helmet off too. My ship could only sustain one hologram, and they picked her to bring back, because she was more qualified than me. So they burned me to a disc and sent me off into deep space. I was picked up by a few ships, but they never kept me long. Then I landed here, and you know the rest." Crystal finished with a smile.

"Whoa. That makes mine seem pathetic by comparison." Rimmer said.

"Why? How did you die?" Crystal asked him.

"I was hit by a lethal blast of radiation." Rimmer shrugged.

"Did it hurt?"

"It's funny, but I don't remember. It happened three million years ago, after all."

"This is a bit of a depressing conversation, isn't it? Shall we talk about something else?" Crystal laughed.

"I've got a better idea." Rimmer grinned, pulling her closer and kissing her. Crystal moaned in response and started running her hands through Rimmer's hair. When they broke the kiss for air, Rimmer pulled his lips to her neck and gently bit down on the skin there. Crystal moaned again, squirming in pleasure. Rimmer looked at her, as if waiting for a sign, and she smiled at him.

"Go on. If you're ready, I am." she whispered.

"I'm as ready as I'll ever be." he replied, sounding a little nervous. He tried to undo the first button on Crystal's pyjama top, his hands shaking. "Oh, bugger." he said, getting frustrated and embarrassed.

"It's all right. Take your time." Crystal told him gently, resting her hands on his. Rimmer relaxed, trying again, and this time he got through the rest of the buttons. Crystal pulled Rimmer's shirt over his head, and slowly but surely they undressed each other. When they were naked, Rimmer disappeared under the covers.  
"Arnold! Where are you going?"

Crystal soon found out. She gasped and moaned, and her hands found Rimmer's hair again, tugging on it. Soon her moans became squeaks, and squeaks gave way to screams as she reached her high. She lay there, breathless and trembling, and Rimmer emerged from under the duvet, his hair sticking up at random angles.

"Wow." he said, grinning.

"Uh-huh." Crystal nodded. Rimmer kissed her passionately, rolling on top of her.

"Now?" he asked her.

"Please." she whispered, and she raised herself to meet him as he slid into her.

Several hours later, Rimmer and Crystal were still in the bed, tangled in each other.

"I love you, Crystal Waters." Rimmer whispered.

"And I love you too, Arnold Rimmer." Crystal whispered back.

Suddenly a knock at the door shattered the moment.

"Rimmer! Crystal! Get your lazy arses out here! Holly's found a ship!"

"All right Lister, we're on our way!" Rimmer called. They heard footsteps heading away. "David Lister. Not known for subtlety, but you learn to live with him." he sighed. Crystal giggled.

"Come on. We've got time for this later."

"Of course we've got time. We've got forever." Rimmer smiled, kissing her quickly before getting up and starting to get dressed.

"What's all this about a ship then?" Rimmer asked Lister, hurrying into the drive room hand-in-hand with Crystal. The two of them sat down as Lister pointed at the screen.

"It's just come into range."

"Aliens! It's got to be aliens!" Rimmer said triumphantly.

"Sorry Arnold. It's from Earth." Holly piped up.

"Have you two seen the Cat?" Lister asked.

"What a ridiculous question to ask us, Lister." Crystal sighed.

"Oh, oh right." Lister said, looking embarrassed and trying desperately not to stare at the love bite on Crystal's neck. "Holly, any sign of the Cat?"

"He's just heading this way now."

"Good. I think we're going to go and investigate." Lister said.

"Er, excuse me, but as senior rank aboard this ship, I give the orders." Rimmer interrupted. "And I say, we're going to go and investigate."

"Well, that's a marvellous idea, why didn't I think of that?" Lister said sarcastically. Crystal giggled.

"Smeg off." Rimmer snapped at Lister, before turning to Crystal. "Crystal, I think it's high time you got acquainted with Blue Midget."

"Wasn't that what you were doing when I came and got you?" Lister sniggered. Rimmer turned scarlet.

"No no, definitely not. In fact, I'd say quite the opposite." Crystal said, casually sliding a hand up Rimmer's leg while keeping her face straight. Poor Rimmer turned redder still.

"Really?" Lister asked.

"Uh-huh." Crystal grinned. "I bet it's bigger than yours at any rate."

It was Lister's turn to blush, and Rimmer burst out laughing, putting an arm around Crystal's shoulders.

"And that, my dear, is one of the many reasons why I love you." he said to her, kissing her. "Come on, let's find the Cat and go explore the ship."

"Hello?" Rimmer called, stepping down from Blue Midget into the ship. "Anyone at home?" There was silence. "Hmm. Maybe it's abandoned."

"Well, there's only one way to find out." Crystal smiled, taking Rimmer's hand. "Let's go exploring!"

"I think you two have already done enough exploring today." Lister smirked.

"Lister, do you like having your head attached to your body?" Rimmer snarled.

"Er, yes actually."

"Well, if you want it to stay there, you'd better cut the wisecracks miladdo."

"Jeez, there's no need to get so worked up!" Lister sighed. "Me and the Cat'll go this way, you two go that way. Meet back here in an hour if we don't find anything."

"All right." Rimmer said, and Lister went back onto Blue Midget to find the Cat. Rimmer and Crystal headed off down the corridor.

"This ship seems really familiar. I feel like I know it." Crystal murmured, running a hand along the dusty wall and revealing some lettering underneath. "Hang about." she said, tugging Rimmer to a stop as she cleaned off some more dust. "G... R... E... E... N... Green... Green Giant! This is my ship! We found my old ship, Arnold!" Crystal squealed, hugging Rimmer enthusiastically. "I wonder if anyone I know is still alive? Come on, the stasis pods are this way!" Crystal ran off down the corridor, dragging Rimmer with her. They burst into a room full of stasis pods.

"Most of them are broken now." Crystal said, visibly disappointed. Rimmer put an arm around her.

"Look, I can see one that's in working order, and I think there's someone in there." he said, pointing. The two of them picked their way around the broken pods to get to the working one.

"Help me get it open." Crystal said, and they tugged on the door until it swung open to reveal a girl with coffee-coloured skin and long black braided hair.

"Crystal?"

"Rebecca?" Crystal gasped.

"Oh my God, it is you! And you're a hologram too! This is so amazing!" the girl named Rebecca said.

"I can't believe it!" Crystal said, almost crying with joy as she hugged Rebecca. "How are you?"  
"Kinda disorientated." Rebecca replied. "How long have I been out for?"

"Almost three million years." Crystal said.

"And you went and got yourself a man while I was in stasis? Damn, doesn't take you long, does it?"

Crystal laughed. "Sorry, I'd better do introductions. Rebecca, this is Arnold, Arnold, Rebecca"

Rimmer saluted. "Arnold J. Rimmer at your service, madam."

"He even salutes the way you do, and he's a gentleman too! You must be a match made in heaven!" Rebecca giggled. She turned to Rimmer. "I'm Rebecca Stinson, Crystal's best friend, and I was her bunkmate until she got killed, disc-ified and ejected into space."

"It's a pleasure to meet you." Rimmer smiled. He picked up his walkie-talkie and spoke into it. "Lister, are you receiving me, over?"

"Hearing ya loud and clear, smeg-for-brains, over!"

Rimmer rolled his eyes at the two girls, and Crystal giggled.

"We need you in the stasis room, can you and the Cat get here ASAP, over?"

"We're on the way, over and out."

"Over and out." Rimmer put the walkie-talkie back in his pocket. Crystal turned to Rebecca.

"What happened to the rest of the stasis pods? And the crew?"

"I don't remember. It was so long ago." Rebecca said vaguely. "I think some kind of big fight broke out."

"Rimmer! What's going on...?"

Lister walked in through the open door and stopped, staring at Rebecca.

"I knew this would happen." Rimmer muttered to himself, shaking his head.

**Awww! Another boy from the Dwarf falls in love! Review please!**


	7. Bodystealers and Betrayals

**AN: This story is turning out more and more clichéd by the minute! Hopefully this chapter will shake things up a bit! Enjoy!**

Rimmer sighed to himself as he watched the monitor in the drive room. They had been tracking another ship for several weeks now, and he had restlessly been watching the progress, even on some nights forsaking returning to Crystal. He was sure it was aliens this time. Unknown to him, Crystal was at that moment watching him from the doorway to the drive room. She was worried about his fixation with this ship. He would only be upset if it turned out to be from Earth. She quietly crossed the room and slid her arms around his waist.

"Hey, you." she whispered. "Long time no see." Rimmer turned to her.

"I'm sorry love. I'm just excited about the ship. I know it's aliens, I just know it."

"But you need to be prepared for the fact that it might not be. I don't want you to be disappointed if that's what happens." she told him. "Come on darling. You must be getting square eyes from staring at the drive computer all day and all night. Take a break."

Crystal stretched up on her toes to kiss him, and he eventually responded, and they ran out of the drive room together. A few moments later, Lister walked in, looking for something to do.

"Hol?" he asked. "Where is everyone?"

"Arnold and Crystal are in their room, the Cat is investigating on floor twenty-two, and Rebecca is sleeping."

"She's _always _sleeping! Is it an after-effect of being in stasis or something?"

"It's possible, Dave. Some people do experience drowsiness after being in stasis for a long time."

Lister shrugged. "Fair enough. How's that ship doing?"

"Still on the move. We're not close enough for contact yet."

"Keep us posted, Hol." Lister said, walking straight out again. He had nobody to talk to, yet again, unless he counted the skutters, but they didn't exactly provide a balanced conversation.

"Dave!" came Holly's voice.

"Yes Hol?" Lister asked.

"We're getting a signal from the ship."

"Punch it up." Lister strode back into the drive room as the picture came up on screen, and a tiny purple face peered at him.

"Farlglahraggh." the purple thing said.

"Can you translate please, Holly?" Lister asked.

"It said 'I want to invade your body and live forever'."

"Oh heck."

"You never fail to surprise me." Rimmer whispered to Crystal as she snuggled closer to him.

"Well, I try my best." she replied.

"I love you, Crystal darling."

"And I love you, Arnold honey."

"Rimmer! Help! The purple thing wants to invade my body!" came a yell from Lister.

"What are you talking about, Lister?" Rimmer called back as he and Crystal got up and dressed.

"The other ship is in contact range! It is aliens!"

"I knew it!" Rimmer shouted triumphantly. "Hang on a tick Lister, we'll be right there."

"I really wish we didn't have to do this." Rimmer muttered as Blue Midget landed in the cargo bay of the alien ship. "It's practically suicide!"

"Shh. We'll be fine." Crystal said, running a hand through Rimmer's hair.

Rebecca looked out of the windows. "It's pretty dark out there." Lister moved to stand behind her and put his arms around her waist.

"You're right. We'll probably need torches."

"But the aliens might see our light, and then they'd know we were here." Rimmer pointed out.

"Good point. We'll manage without." Crystal said.

"Yeah." Lister agreed. "Everyone ready?"

"As ready as I'll ever be." Cat said. Everybody else nodded in agreement with Cat.

"Let's go then." Rimmer said, and the five of them descended into the cargo bay of the ship. Almost immediately they were surrounded by lights on all sides, and a huge group of tiny purple things armed with scary-looking guns.

"Oh crap." Lister said.

"RUN!" Cat yelled, and Rimmer and Crystal grabbed hands and ran one way, and Cat took off the other way. Lister and Rebecca stood still for a split second, then Lister dragged Rebecca back onto Blue Midget and took off, flying back out of the cargo bay.

"Are you mad? We've got to get the others!" Rebecca shouted at him, pointing down to where she could just see Rimmer, Crystal and the Cat cornered by purple aliens.

"We can't save them now! It's too late!" Lister replied as Blue Midget shot through the sky and landed back on Red Dwarf.

"You idiot! How could you leave them there like that? You betrayed them, you fool!" Rebecca yelled, running down from Blue Midget into the cargo bay. Lister followed, grabbing her by the wrist.

"I did it to save us! Don't you understand that?" Lister snapped.

"You took one step too far, Dave! You broke the golden rule! You've always told me that nobody from the Dwarf gets left behind! Crystal's my best friend! I know Arnold isn't exactly yours, but saving him is the least you could do to thank him for keeping you sane!" Rebecca screamed, breaking down in tears.

"Please, Rebecca! I thought we were friends! I thought we were more than friends!" Lister begged, trying to put an arm around her. Rebecca shrugged him off.

"Not any more, David Lister. Not after this. The stakes are too high to gamble with life. There's no place for someone like you in my life."

"Rebecca, have pity on me, please, don't cut me loose. It wasn't an easy choice!"

"I can't believe your reasons. They deserve life too. But your greed denied them that. You made the choice. You held the knife, and now your soul is stained with their blood." Rebecca stormed out of the cargo bay, sobbing. Lister watched her go, falling to his knees.

"What have I done?"

Rimmer paced the floor of the tiny cell anxiously. Crystal was sitting in the corner crying, and the Cat was yowling through the bars at any aliens that passed by.

"What's going to happen to us, Arnold?" she asked, her voice trembling.

"I don't know darling." he said, moving over to her and hugging her close. "I just don't know."

"Why did Lister and Becky fly off and leave us?" Crystal sobbed. "I thought we were their friends."

"I'm sure Rebecca would have stayed. I'd bet anything it was Lister's idea to leave. She's probably giving him an earful as we speak." Rimmer reassured her. Crystal giggled weakly through her tears.

"They can't technically kill us, can they? We're already dead, and practically indestructible." she asked.

"I suppose you're right. But they've probably worked it out by now." Rimmer said resignedly.

"Then I guess this is goodbye." Crystal said.

"Don't you dare talk like that, Crystal C. Waters." Rimmer told her sternly. "We're going to get out of this. All three of us. Alive. Understand?"

"But what if we don't? I'm not leaving you without some kind of goodbye, Arnold J. Rimmer."

"Fine. But you first. I'm awful at goodbyes." Rimmer said.

Crystal took hold of both Rimmer's hands and looked him in the eyes.

"I have to be honest, when we first met, I thought you were a complete pain in the arse. But when we got past our arguments, I realised just how wonderful being with you was. You may not be perfect, but it doesn't matter at all, because you're perfect to me, and perfect for me. I've been wandering for countless years, never finding somewhere I wanted to stay, because none of the places I found had you. Waking up beside you every morning, going to sleep beside you every night, it's like I've been given my own personal piece of heaven. I love you Arnold Judas Rimmer, and I always will." This speech had moved Rimmer to tears, and Crystal wiped a tear away as it ran down his cheek. "Go on. Your turn."

Rimmer swallowed the lump in his throat and took a deep breath.

"I'm not so good with putting how I feel into words, because I was never encouraged to at home, but here goes. I'd go to the end of the universe if it meant another night with you. You're always there in the day, and when I close my eyes you're there in my dreams too. I've never felt anything like this before. It's like I'm flying, and I don't want anyone to pull me back to the ground. I truly love you Crystal Caroline Waters, and nothing will change that. I will love you forever."

Rimmer and Crystal embraced, tears flooding down both their faces as they shared what would probably be their final kiss. When they pulled back to look at each other, they heard sniffing sounds and turned to look at the Cat, who was dabbing at his eyes with a hanky.

"That has got to be the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. You two just make me all emotional like." Cat blew his nose before throwing the hanky at an alien who was coming over with a key.

"Here we go." Rimmer said, and as the cell door swung open, Crystal jumped up.

"Hang on, there's something different about that alien. It's much taller than the others." she said.

"You're right, love. Cat, give it a poke." Rimmer said. Cat prodded the alien.

"Ouch! Is that how you repay someone for rescuing you?" came the voice from the alien.

"Ahh! It speaks English!" the Cat said, jumping back in shock.

"I'd know that voice anywhere." Crystal grinned. "What took you so long, Rebecca Stinson?"

**Bet I had you fooled for a moment there, didn't I? Review please!**


	8. Escapes and Ever Afters

**AN: Let's see if Rimmer, Crystal, Rebecca and the Cat can get away before the aliens catch them! Enjoy!**

"We don't have much time. Lister will notice I've taken Blue Midget soon enough." Rebecca told them as they made their way down a confusing labyrinth of corridors.

"Do you know where we're going?" Crystal asked her as they took a left turn.

"Of course!" Rebecca replied confidently as they ran past...

"Our cell." Rimmer said grimly. "That's the Cat's hanky."

"It sure is!" the Cat confirmed after looking at it for a moment.

"We're lost, aren't we." Crystal mumbled. It wasn't a question. Rimmer wrapped his arms around her.

"Come on. I'm sure we can find a way out." he said comfortingly.

"Flkayehdusghtrrggh."

The four friends whirled around to be faced with several purple aliens.

"Famous last words, buddy." Cat sighed.

"Run for it!" Rebecca shouted, and they did so. After a few turns onto different corridors, Rimmer noticed Crystal wasn't beside him. He turned around and, to his horror, saw the aliens dragging her away.

"Arnold!" she cried.

"Crystal! No!" he shouted, barrelling back down the corridor and attacking the aliens. He kicked one, sending it flying, and the others squeaked in fright and dropped Crystal, running away.

"Are you hurt, sweetheart?" Rimmer asked Crystal, kneeling beside her.

"I think I sprained my ankle. It hurts really badly." she replied, her face ashen.

"Can you put weight on it?"  
"I don't think so."

Rimmer lifted Crystal bridal style and ran after Rebecca and the Cat, who had now found the cargo bay and were climbing aboard Blue Midget while fending off aliens left and right. Rimmer spotted them across the cargo bay.

"Darling, I'm going to have to piggyback you over to Blue Midget. I need you to hold on tight, OK?"

Crystal nodded, and Rimmer swung her gently but quickly onto his back. Crystal clung to his shoulders and wrapped her legs around his waist as he began to run, dodging the swipes of the aliens. There was a high-pitched squeal as he trod on one of the aliens' feet, but it didn't distract him. He reached the steps and was halfway up them when Crystal's weight shifted. He looked and out of the corner of his eye, noticed that two aliens were tugging on her. Rimmer saw red.

"Nobody takes my girlfriend, pipsqueaks!" he snapped, lashing out at them and knocking them to the floor. He grabbed Crystal and pulled her back against him as he finally made it through the door of Blue Midget.

"Rebecca, Cat, look after her!" he shouted, lowering her to the ground and turning to face the purple things that were trying to board Blue Midget. He kicked at them and they fell back down the steps, and in a flash he slammed the door and leaned against it, panting for breath.

"It's OK, they're gone, we're safe..." he gasped, sinking to the floor.

"Arnold?" Crystal said weakly. Rimmer was by her side in an instant.

"What is it, my love?" he asked her.

"Thank you for saving me." she said, taking Rimmer's hand and weaving her fingers between his.

"Well, I wasn't going to let them get you without putting up a fight." he said modestly.

"We did it. We got away." she smiled.

Rimmer grinned. "Yes. Yes, we did."

Lister was pacing around the drive room, thinking about what he'd done. Why did he leave them? He hadn't thought it through at all. And now Rebecca was mad at him, and he hadn't seen her for hours. He was worried.

"Hol? Where's Rebecca?" Lister asked.

"She's just arrived back on Blue Midget with Arnold, Crystal and the Cat." was Holly's reply as he appeared on the screen.

"WHAT? She went and rescued them? Why didn't you tell me this before, Hol?"

"You didn't ask."

Lister ran to the cargo bay, and watched in amazement as Rebecca descended from Blue Midget, followed by the Cat and Rimmer, who was carrying Crystal.

"Hello there Lister." Rimmer said curtly.

"Rimmer, Crystal, Cat, you have no idea how sorry I am. I didn't think, I just acted, and I feel so terrible for leaving you there, and I really just want you to forgive me."

There was an ominous silence, then Crystal spoke.

"We forgive you, Lister. We know you don't think before you act."

"Thank you! Thank you so much!" Lister gasped in relief. "I'll do anything to make it up to you, all of you."

"Well, I think 'be less annoying' is a bit difficult for you to accomplish, but if you just try to think about your actions before you do them, we'll all be happy." Rimmer smiled.

"You bet!" Lister grinned.  
"Becky, remember what I told you a few weeks ago?" Crystal said, and Rebecca nodded. "I need to check everything's all right."

"Sure. Come on then, let's get you to the medical unit." Rebecca said, taking her from Rimmer.

"What's going on?" Rimmer asked her.

"I promise I'll tell you later. I can't be sure until I know I'm all right. I'll get Becky to come and get you." Crystal told him as the two girls moved off. Rimmer and Lister exchanged glances.  
"You don't know anything about this, do you Lister?" Rimmer asked.

"Well, I think I can guess. But Crystal obviously wants to keep it a secret, so I'm not gonna tell you."

"Oh, come on Listy! Please tell me!" Rimmer begged.

"Absolutely not." Lister said. "I'm thinking about telling you, and deciding it's a bad idea and not telling you." he added with a smug grin.

"Oooh, damn you David Lister!" Rimmer snapped as Lister strolled off. He turned to the Cat. "Do you know?"

"Who, me? Why should I know? I'm a cat, not a mind reader!" Cat shrugged.

"Do you think he's figured it out yet?" Crystal asked Rebecca as she sat in the medical unit.

"I don't reckon he has. You'll have to see when he shows up." Rebecca paused, looking at the printout of the results. "Everything's fine. You've just got your ankle to worry about."

"Oh, that's a huge relief." Crystal sighed. "You can go and get him now."

"OK. You just rest." Rebecca said as she left the room, and almost ran straight into Rimmer.

"You can go in." she told him. "I'm going to leave it to her to tell you."

"Not even a clue?" Rimmer asked as Rebecca strode off.

"Nope." she called back. Rimmer walked into the medical unit, and saw Crystal propped up on the bed, smiling at him hugely.

"Are you going to tell me what this is all about now?" he asked her, raising one eyebrow.

"Yes." she replied, taking his hand. "But first, I want to ask you one thing. Did you really mean all those things you said back on the alien ship?"

"Of course I did, honey. Why?"

"I just wanted to check. You said nothing will change your love for me, and this could be an ultimate test of that." she told him.

"OK, I'm officially getting impatient now. Just tell me." Rimmer said.

"All right, all right." Crystal laughed. "Arnold, I'm pregnant. You're going to be a father."

There was a long silence, then Rimmer's face broke into a smile.

"That's fantastic!" he gasped, hugging her tightly. "Why didn't you tell me earlier?"

"I didn't find the right moment. And I wasn't going to tell you when we thought we were going to die, because I know you would have done something stupid like sacrificed yourself to save me and the baby."

Rimmer thought about this. "I suppose I would have."

"I know you too well, Arnold." Crystal laughed.

"Do you know how far gone you are?" he asked.

"About a month now." she replied.

"I can barely believe this. I'm going to be a dad." Rimmer murmured.

"I couldn't have chosen a better man if I'd tried." Crystal smiled. Rimmer bent to kiss her softly.

"I love you." he told her.

"I love you too."

Rimmer pulled away and looked at her.

"Darling, I've got something I've been meaning to say too." he began. "Hang on half a second." He stuck his hands in his pockets, searching for something. He grinned in triumph and pulled out a tiny box. Crystal's eyes widened.

"Does that contain what I'm thinking it does?" she asked.

"It depends on what you're thinking." Rimmer smiled, sliding down onto one knee. Crystal gasped. "Crystal Caroline Waters, I love you with all my heart, and I never want to lose you. Will you marry me?"

"Yes, Arnold! Yes!" Crystal shouted joyfully, and tears of pure happiness ran down her face as he slid a beautiful, sparkling diamond ring onto her finger.

**Awww! Happy times! Review please!**


	9. Newlyweds and New Lives

**AN: This chapter jumps on a bit, because I couldn't think of how else to continue. About, ooh, nine months (see where I might be going with this?). Kryten has now joined the Red Dwarf crew, because I thought it would be nice to have him in the story. The version of Sweet Caroline is the one sung by Mark Salling in Glee. Enjoy!**

"Are you sure the dress doesn't make the bump look bigger than it is?" Crystal said doubtfully. "I don't want to look fat."

"Crystal, listen to yourself. Rimmer won't care. He loves you, and that is all that matters." Rebecca said, her hands on Crystal's shoulders.

"You're right. You're so right." Crystal said, getting to her feet and taking a twirl. "How do I look?"

"Breathtaking." Rebecca assured her. The Cat stuck his head around the door.

"You ready?" he asked the girls.

"I was born ready." Crystal laughed, picking up her bouquet and linking arms with Cat. "Thanks ever so much for being the one to give me away, Cat."

"Ahh, it's nothin' really." the Cat said modestly. "Let's go get you married to Goal-Post Head."

Crystal giggled as Rebecca fell into step behind her and the Cat.

"Are you sure the bow tie's on straight?"

"For the ninety millionth time Rimmer, yes, your bow tie is on straight." Lister sighed.

"Er, listen Lister, thanks for accepting to be my best man. I mean, I know we're not exactly friends, but it means a lot to me." Rimmer said.

"It's OK. You're returning the favour when me and Becky tie the knot though." Lister laughed.

"Are you popping the question later?"

"At the reception."

"Good luck." Rimmer smiled.

"I won't need it." Lister grinned, raising his eyebrows. Rimmer shook his head, laughing. Kryten bustled over to them.

"They're on their way now, sirs." he told them.

"Stay calm, Rimmer." Lister said. "You've been waiting for this your whole life."

"I'm fine." Rimmer assured Lister.

"Holly, music please." Kryten said.

The wedding march started playing, and Rimmer turned around, waiting for a glimpse of Crystal.

"That's our cue." Cat said as the first notes of the wedding march played. Rebecca helped Crystal sweep the veil over her face and the three of them walked in step to the song. Crystal raised her gaze, and was greeted with Rimmer's smiling face at the other end of the makeshift aisle they had constructed in the canteen. It took all her strength not to rip her arm from Cat's and sprint down the aisle to be with him. Rimmer watched her, amazed at how lucky he was. He'd never seen this happening for him, and it was incredible. He was getting married to the love of his life, who was at this moment carrying his child. Crystal, Cat and Rebecca reached the end of the aisle, and Cat took Crystal's hand and placed it in Rimmer's. Kryten stepped up and began the ceremony.

"Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to witness the joining of Arnold Judas Rimmer and Crystal Caroline Waters in holy matrimony. If anyone here has any reason why these two cannot marry, speak now or forever hold your peace." There was silence, then Kryten continued. "Do you, Arnold, take Crystal to be your wife, to have and to hold, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?"

Rimmer smiled. "I do."

"And do you, Crystal, take Arnold to be your husband, to h-"

"Just skip to the 'death do us part' bit, Kryten." Crystal said impatiently, flipping back her veil. Everyone laughed, especially Rimmer.

"If you insist, Miss Crystal. Etcetera, etcetera, until death do you part?"

"I do."

"In that case, I now pronounce you husband and wife..."

Crystal jumped on Rimmer and kissed him with everything she had.

"Er, you may kiss the bride." Kryten said hurriedly, much to everyone else's amusement. Everyone cheered and clapped, and when Rimmer and Crystal finally broke the kiss, Rimmer leaned down and whispered in her ear.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

"Awww!" chorused everyone else.

The rest of the day went without a hitch. Kryten took photos of the happy couple together, then with their bridesmaid and best man, and finally set it to timer so he could join the picture. Poor Rimmer sat with his burning red face in his hands all the way through Lister's best man speech. Rebecca almost cried with happiness when Lister proposed to her, and she accepted. Rimmer and Crystal ate cake designed by Kryten, which even had accurate marzipan models of themselves on it.

"I don't want to eat me!" Crystal had protested.

"You can have me then." Rimmer had told her, smiling as he handed her the marzipan Rimmer.

Then Rimmer had a quick word with Holly, and music started playing.

"Time for our first dance, love." he said to Crystal, taking her hand.

"I'm not a very good dancer." Crystal confessed.  
"Neither am I, but it's a tradition, and I think you're going to like my song choice."

They started to dance together, and Crystal listened to the words. Rimmer started singing along, and Crystal looked him in the eyes, and it was like she fell in love with him all over again.

_Where it began_

_I can't begin to know when_

_But then I know it's growing strong_

_Was it the spring?_

_And spring became summer_

_Who'd have believed you'd come along?_

_Hands touching hands_

_Reaching out_

_Touching me, touching you_

_Oh, sweet Caroline_

_Good times never seemed so good_

_I've been inclined_

_To believe it never would_

"Oh, you! Because my middle name's Caroline!" Crystal said with a laugh.

"Of course. I would have used a song with Crystal in it if one existed." Rimmer told her.

"I smegging love you."

Rimmer laughed. "And I, you."

_Oh, sweet Caroline_

_Good times never seemed so good_

_Oh, I've been inclined_

_To believe it never would, no, no_

The music came to a stop, and Rimmer twirled Crystal around once more and kissed her. They heard the click of Kryten's camera, but they didn't care. They were in heaven...

Suddenly Crystal gasped and doubled over.

"What is it?" Rimmer asked. "What happened, what's wrong?"

Crystal looked up at him. "I think my water just broke."

"Just one more push should do it, ma'am!"

Crystal's scream echoed throughout Red Dwarf, and Rimmer could have sworn his hand was going to fall off from how hard she was squeezing it. Then the medi-bay was filled with sounds of a baby crying.

"It's a girl!" Kryten announced. Crystal's exhausted face broke into a grin, and she held her arms out as Kryten handed her the tiny baby, wrapped in a blanket. Crystal leaned against Rimmer, who was sitting beside her bed, and angled her arms so he could see his child.

"She's beautiful." Rimmer whispered, enchanted. He held out a finger, and his newborn daughter grasped it with her tiny hand. "I think she likes me!"

"She's got good taste." Crystal said.

"Just like her mother." Rimmer smiled.

A flash filled the room, and the baby started to cry again.

"Sorry, I saw a photo opportunity." Kryten apologised. The others gathered around.

"Ahh. She looks just like you, Crystal." Rebecca cooed.

"Wow. She sure is something." Cat murmured.

"You got a name for her?" Lister asked the newlyweds. Husband and wife looked at each other and smiled.

"Yeah. We're naming her after my mother. Hannah." Crystal said.

"Hannah Rimmer?" Kryten asked.

"Almost. Hannah Rebecca Waters-Rimmer." Crystal grinned at Rebecca.

"Really?" Rebecca asked her best friend. Crystal nodded. "Oh! I.. I don't know what to say!"

"You don't have to say anything!" Crystal laughed, leaning over and embracing Rebecca.

"Careful!" Rimmer said. "Don't hurt yourself."

"Overprotective fool." Crystal teased him, letting Rebecca go.

"Well, I'm sure I'm not the only one who's noticed that you've just had a baby! You need to rest!"

"Stop flapping! You're as bad as Kryten!" Crystal laughed. "Er, no offence Kryters."

"None taken ma'am." Kryten assured her. "But Mr. Rimmer is absolutely right, you do need to rest. Come along everyone." Kryten ushered everyone out of the medi-bay, leaving the proud parents alone with their child.

"Well done. She's absolutely lovely." Rimmer told Crystal.

"I couldn't have done it without you." Crystal smiled. "I love you."

"I love you too."

The couple leaned towards each other and kissed softly. Suddenly, more loud crying filled the medi-bay, and Rimmer pulled back, a guilty grin spreading across his face.

"We're not going to get a moment's peace from now on, are we?" he said.

"Nope." Crystal said. "But it's going to be a lot of fun."

"And I wouldn't have it any other way." Rimmer laughed.

**A sweet penultimate chappy! Sorry for chickening out of writing a proper birth scene, because I tried, and it was utter smeg, so what I wrote is what you get! Next is the epilogue and then we're all done! Review please!**


	10. Epilogue

**AN: I can barely believe that I'm at the end of the story! I hope you all had fun reading it! Here's a little epilogue, set five years on, to tie up loose ends. Enjoy!**

"Snap! I win!" a little voice said triumphantly.

"That card is not the same colour as that one!"

"Yes it is, cause I said so!"

"All right, you cheeky minx, you can have those."

"Yay!"

Rimmer turned the corner and saw his beautiful wife Crystal and his five year old daughter Hannah playing cards in the drive room.

"Having fun, are we?"

"Daddy!" Hannah shouted happily, flinging herself at Rimmer's legs. "I beat Mummy at Snap!"

"Did you really? Well done sweetheart." he said, ruffling her unruly brown curls.

"Mummy let her win." Crystal whispered, sliding her arms around Rimmer's neck.

"Hannah honey, why don't you run along and find Uncle Dave and Aunt Becky? I'm sure they'll want to play Snap with you." Rimmer suggested.

"All right, but I'll win!" she grinned, scooping up the cards and running off. Rimmer turned to Crystal.

"Come with me." he told her, taking her by the hand and leading her along the corridors.

"Where are we going?" she asked him.

"You'll see. Or rather, you won't see, but only for a little while." he amended, taking his tie off and wrapping it around her eyes as a blindfold.

"Arnold! What are you up to?" Crystal said. She felt him take her hand again as they headed off. After several turns and one flight of stairs, they came to a stop.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes!"

Rimmer took Crystal's blindfold off and she gasped. Set out in front of her was a candlelit table with plates and wine glasses, and behind that was a smart four-poster bed.

"Happy anniversary darling." Rimmer whispered, wrapping his arms around her waist.

"You remembered!"

"How could I forget the anniversary of the happiest day of my life? I can barely believe it's been five years, it seems like it was only yesterday." he said, turning her to face him and kissing her softly. "Lister and Rebecca were expecting Hannah. They'll be keeping her company all night long. We won't be disturbed, Kryten has been instructed to make sure of that."

Crystal giggled. "You monster, why didn't I hear about this?"

"It was a surprise."

"Well, I'm surprised." Crystal said. "Are you happy?"  
"I couldn't be happier, honey." Rimmer told her.

"I love you, Arnold."

"And I love you too, Crystal. Now, this is the tricky part. Decision time. Are you hungry?"

"Yes, but not for food." Crystal replied, ripping Rimmer's shirt open.

"I really am the luckiest man in the universe." he told her as they collapsed onto the bed.

**I didn't mean this to be quite so short, but I think this is all I need to wrap it up! Just one thing: Do you want a sequel? I've already started writing one, so if yes let me know soon. If I get no advice I'll publish it anyway. Review please!**


End file.
